ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
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One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on