Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
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i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom