Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
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Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
This guy gets it.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38