Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
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If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too