There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
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cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?