FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
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I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
My biological clock is wheezing.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Strange
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.