how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
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No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Spring cleaning checklist…
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.