I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
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Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.