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Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Worst perfume name ever.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Called it
Beware of the “party goblin”…
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
You know…for fall…
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ