My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
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My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Some people were born into their job.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”