I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
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Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.