me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
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20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”