My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
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A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
$3 #books
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.