I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
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[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box