Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
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My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )