[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
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If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.