[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
You Might Also Like
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”