i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
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[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down