Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
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Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift