Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
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boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I never needed anything more in my life
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.