When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
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I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird