[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
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When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo