It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
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Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I need to get some bricks…
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.