“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
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Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳