cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
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My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…