Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
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Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..