What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
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My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days