Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
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My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*