Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
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Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
“I wouldn’t.”
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me recordaron éste meme
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.