Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
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a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.