God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
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11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*