her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
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What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Always the camel, never the toe.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard