*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
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Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
getting corrected
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme