Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
You Might Also Like
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition