Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
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im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
🤣🤣🤣
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were