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sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me: