Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
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Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers