I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
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I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.