“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
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[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.