I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
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Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon