met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
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My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.