Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
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The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”