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Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.