I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
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My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody