New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
You Might Also Like
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?