*pronounces patio like ratio
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My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…