*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
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God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Still cracks me up
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
This hospital has everything
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
The old gods are rising again.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats