Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
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Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
i think we should see other cousins
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]