Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
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New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
meow
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
When you don’t understand how floors work
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one