Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
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50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.